A Piece of our Minds
by Ruthie
Summary: SG-1 and SG-3 go head to head on the Jerry Springer show. Things get a little...tense.
1. Default Chapter

Title: A Piece of Our Minds

Rating: PG-13 (Strong language is represented by BEEP as it would be on the real show. I'm sure you can fill in the gaps) J 

Spoilers: The Broca Divide, Into the Fire 

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, they belong to the lovely people at MGM, Showtime and Brad Wright. Obviously, Jerry Springer is a hugely successful chat show host and I mean him no disrespect, and no copyright infringement was intended – please don't sue me!! 

Summary: Response to Heliopolis challenge **#72** SG-1 and SG-3 go head to head on The Jerry Springer Show! 

~ A Piece of our Minds ~ 

By Ruth 

********** 

"Hello and welcome to the Jerry Springer Show! Today, ladies and gentlemen, we are priveliged to have eight members of the United States Air Force with us. Today, we are getting an exclusive look at life inside the military, from the different points of view of two teams, SG-1 and SG-3. First off, please welcome SG-1!" 

-CLAPPING AND CHEERING FROM AUDIENCE-

Sam, Jack, Daniel and Teal'c walked onto the stage and sat down in the four comfy chairs provided. Teal'c looked around him in confusion, Sam wondered what the hell she was doing there, Daniel squinted at the bright lights in his eyes and Jack wondered if the cameras were making him look fat. 

"Well, good morning, SG-1. Now, let's see. You're Jack O'Neill, Daniel Jackson, Samantha Carter and…..Teal'c?" 

"Indeed, Mr Springer," said Teal'c. 

Jerry laughed. "Oh please, call me Jerry, Teal'c!" 

"Very well. Yes, Jerry." 

"Good! Ok, well, we'll start with you, Jack. You've been in the military now for how long?" 

"Since I was 18, Jerry." 

"So, how long is that?" asked Jerry, beaming. 

"Can't be that long! HE'S GORGEOUS!" yelled a young woman in the audience. Jack smirked and blew her a kiss. The woman promptly fainted into the row in front of her. 

Sam smirked and looked at Teal'c, who was still greatly confused and did not quite understand why O'Neill had been so enthusiastic to come and see this 'Jerry.' 

"Not long, huh?" asked Jerry. "Ok, moving on. Dr Jackson – may I call you Daniel?" 

"I…" 

"Great, thanks! I hear that you're not actually part of the militray – how did you get involved?" 

"Well, I met Colonel O'Neill four years ago and we just kinda, well, jelled, I suppose." 

"Jelled? What do you mean by that, Dr Jackson?" 

"Well, we work well together." 

"Well that's always a good thing!" said Jerry, continuing to beam. 

__

Jelled? What the hell did I say that for? Thought Daniel. 

__

Jelled? What the hell did he say that for? Thought Jack. 

"Ok, moving on again. Major Carter - may I call you Samantha? Or is it Sam?" 

"Sam," she replied, wondering what on Earth the man was going to ask her. 

"Did you find it difficult to fit in with the men when you first joined the military?" 

"Well, it was kind of difficult, but after a while I stopped trying to be one of the guys and was just content to be one of the girls." 

-LOUD CHEERING FROM FEMALE MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE-

"Finally, Teal'c. How did you come to join the military?" 

"I also met Colonel O'Neill, Major Carter and Daniel Jackson for the first time. Dr Jackson is quite correct. Our personalities 'jelled' as he put it. We have been working together ever since." 

"Ok, now I'm going to put some questions to you as a team. What do you think is the hardest thing you've ever had to do?" 

Sam, Jack, Teal'c and Daniel thought for a moment. What could they say? They'd been through all sorts of things - none of which they could repeat on national television. Jack had a thought and suddenly smirked. 

"Jack? You thought of something?" 

"Well, I would say it was a real test of my strength trying to work with the SG-3 marines." 

-LAUGHTER FROM AUDIENCE- 

"And why is that, Jack?" 

"Well, the're a group of stupid BEEP-heads who think that just because they're marines that they're better than us." 

"Ok, can I remind you to try and keep a hold of your language, Jack?" 

"Sorry, Jerry." 

"Ok. Major Carter, what are your thoughts on the marines?" 

"Well, I find it incredibly difficult to work with any of them. I agree with Colonel O'Neill." 

"Well, it's funny you should say that, guys, because I have a surprise for you today. Audience, please welcome SG-3!" 

-EVIL, LOUD MUSIC PLAYS AS SG-3 WALK ON STAGE TO BOOS AND HISSES - 

"Shut the BEEP- up, you stupid bunch of BEEP- ers!" 

"Ya see, that's exactly what I meant!" said Jack, standing to talk to Colonel Makepeace. 

"Colonel, Doctor, Major, Teal'c," said Makepeace. 

"Always a pleasure," said Daniel dryly. 

Sam and Teal'c failed to comment. 

"Ok, so you're Colonel Makepeace, Edleson, Noble and Lucas. Is that right?" 

"Yep." Makepeace stretched in the small chair, showing off. 

"How exactly do you differ from the members of SG-1?" asked Jerry. 

"Well," said Lucas, looking over at the four other figures in their chairs, "We're better!" 

-BOOING FROM AUDIENCE-

"Shut up! Bunch of BEEP- ers!" 

"You got something to say, Lucas?" asked Jack. 

"What if I have?" 

-AUDIENCE BEGINS TO CHANT: "FIGHT! FIGHT!" -

Sam put her head in her hands. Why was this happening to her? Why had she agreed to come?" 

"What's the matter, Major? Gonna cry now?" asked Edleson, smirking at her. 

"You good-for-nothing son of a -BEEP!" 

-LOUD CHEERS FROM AUDIENCE- 

Daniel stood up, taking after Jack and Sam's lead. "Yeah! You are the most BEEP- ing awful group of people I've EVER had to work with!" 

"Ooh, Dr Jackson, I'm really scared! What ya gonna do? Throw a book at me?" asked Noble. 

Daniel stood up and pushed Noble as hard as he could. 

-"GO DANIEL!" SCREAMS YOUNG WOMAN FROM AUDIENCE- 

"You wanna pick a fight with me, archaeology-boy?" asked Noble. "BRING IT ON!" 

Daniel leapt at Noble, arms flailing wildly. The marine was taken a little off guard and ended up on the floor, whilst Daniel pounded him with both fists. 

"Hey! Hey! SECURITY!" yelled Jerry. 

"You stupid BEEP- ing BEEP!" yelled Noble. 

"Not so BEEP- ing tough now, are you, military BEEP!" 

Daniel and Noble were dragged off stage by the two burly security guards. 

"Now, people," said Jerry, "D'ya think we could try to keep this clean?" 

"Makes me feel sick just looking at them! 'Specially Major Carter," said Makepeace. 

Sam stood up, anger filling her. "I can safely assure you that I return that, you BEEP- ing BEEP!" 

"Ooh, now I'm gonna get beaten up by an astro-scientist!" said Makepeace, jeering her. 

"IT'S THEORETICAL ASTROPHYSICIST YOU STUPID BEEP!" 

Sam leapt at Makepeace with her nails and fists, and the two were soon having a furious fight on the floor, rolling around the studio floor to the delight of the audience. 

-"GO ON SAM! BEAT HIM UP! - 

Jack decided it was time for him to have a little fun. He jumped up and ran over to help Sam, dragging Makepeace off of her. 

"Just because you fancy her!" Makepeace yelled. 

-"OOOOOHHHHH" FROM AUDIENCE-

"You BEEP -ing BEEP! Just because you don't give a BEEP about any of your men doesn't mean I have to be the BEEP -ing same!" 

"I do give a BEEP about my men, which is why I don't try to BEEP them all the time!" 

"You son of a BEEP!" Jack roared, pouncing on Makepeace and knocking him to the floor where they engaged in a furious fist-fight. 

Sam stood up and looked at Edleson, who was laughing. 

"You think something's funny, you BEEP?" she yelled. 

"BRING IT ON, stupid BEEP!" he yelled back. 

Sam and Edleson also ended up rolling around on the floor, punching each other. 

"SECURITY!" Jerry yelled. "Guys, please! Can we…?" 

"Can't you see we're trying to have a BEEP -ing fight here, you BEEP?" asked Makepeace, who was then tackled from behind by Jack. 

Teal'c got up from his chair and walked over to Jerry. 

"I must apologise for the behaviour of my friends. They do not normally act in this manner." 

Then, he left the stage. 

Jerry looked helplessly at the four figures on the floor who were now trying to bundle each other. The audience let out a whoop of glee as Daniel ran back out onto the stage and leapt onto the mixed pile of SG-1 and SG-3, beating with his fists at the nearest marine uniform he could find. 

"Okay," said Jerry nervously, trying to speak over the shouts and beeps, "Now time for my final thought." 

"You BEEP!" 

"Get off of my BEEP -ing arm you BEEP!" 

"It is not always appropriate…." 

"OW!" 

"What the BEEP did you do that for? Are you a BEEP -ing woman or something?" 

"BEEEEEEEEEP!" 

"You stupid son of a BEEP!" 

"For people on opposite sides of the social barrier…." 

"JEEZ! Is that the best you can manage? I've seen people with their head up their BEEP that could make a better job of kicking the BEEP out of me than you!" 

"To be brought together, particularly in a new, clean studio like mine. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen." 

-AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS AS, ONE BY ONE, SG-1 AND SG-3 ARE DRAGGED OFF STAGE BY SECURITY GUARDS - 

The End

Author's Note: Hope you enjoyed it! Feedback to samcarterusaf@yahoo.co.uk 


	2. A Piece of Our Minds Round 2

Title: A Piece of Our Minds: Round 2

Rating: PG (Strong language is represented by BEEP as it would be on the real show. I'm sure you can fill in the gaps) J 

Spoilers: None (But you need to have read the first chapter)

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, they belong to the lovely people at MGM, Showtime and Brad Wright. Obviously, Jerry Springer is a hugely successful chat show host and I mean him no disrespect, and no copyright infringement was intended – please don't sue me!! 

Summary: Makepeace hasn't finished yet, it's back to Jerry Springer for ROUND TWO!!

~ A Piece of our Minds: Round 2 ~ 

By Ruth 

'A Piece of Our Minds' Series Copyright © 2003, Ruth

********** 

"Hello, and welcome to the Jerry Springer show! Today we have some guests with us that you will all remember - the formidable SG-3!"

(SG-3 walk onstage in an incredibly macho way, audience boos them VERY loudly.)

"Shut the f-BEEP up!" Makepeace snarled. 

"Oh, hi guys!" Jerry smiled, "Just to remind you, this is Makepeace, Edelson, Noble and Lucas. How've you been since we last saw you, guys?"

"Okay," said Edelson, gruffly. 

"Yeah, just been out saving the world, and junk," Lucas replied. 

(Someone from the audience shouts: BULLSHIT!)

"Oh yeah? I suppose if SG-1 told you this you'd be falling at their feet! Bunch of f-BEEP-ers!"

(More booing from audience)

"Why the f-BEEP did we bother coming on here?" Noble asked, "It's obvious that they just hate our f-BEEP asses!"

(Cheering from audience)

"SHUT UP!"

"Uh, listen guys, we brought you here today because we want to learn about you, not SG-1. We're sure that you're very caring, compassionate men underneath the bravado." Jerry smiled. 

Makepeace looked at him for a long moment, and raised an eyebrow. 

"Do I look caring and compassionate?" he asked, trying not to grit his teeth. 

"Uh…well…not at the moment, no!" Jerry laughed, edging slowly away from him, "Let's talk to this man - you must be Lucas!"

"No, I'm Edelson, get it f-BEEP-ing right!"

(Booing from audience)

Makepeace stood up, grabbed a chair and threw it into the audience. 

"SHUT UP!"

"Okay, uh, well…Robbie - can I call you Robbie? - you…uh…can't throw chairs at the audience…"

"I'll do what I f-BEEP-ing well like! And NO, YOU CANNOT CALL ME ROBBIE!"

"Okay…uh…fine….what would you like to talk about, guys, what would make you happy at the moment?"

Edelson whispered something in Makepeace's ear and he grinned. 

"Drag SG-1's scrawny asses onstage so we can kick the s-BEEP out of them!"

(Booing from audience, abruptly stopped when a chair is picked up and waved threateningly)

"SHUT UP!"

"Okay, guys, you seem to be saying that a lot - why are you so angry? Do you have problems at home?"

Makepeace looked at Jerry for a long moment. 

"Please, Jerry, I don't want to hurt you!"

"Then tell me, Makepeace - why are you always so mad?"

"I DON'T KNOW! MAYBE IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT I'VE BEEN DRAGGED ON THIS SHOW AGAIN, OR MAYBE BECAUSE I'M TIRED AND WANT TO GO HOME AND HAVE A BEER, BUT NNOOOO, I HAVE TO DRAG MY MEN ON JERRY F-BEEP-ING SPRINGER!"

"Makepeace, calm down!"

"NO I WILL NOT F-BEEP-ING CALM DOWN!"

"Security!" Jerry shouted, "Have this man restrained!"

(Makepeace is dragged off kicking and screaming by security guards.)

"So..Lucas?"

"No, I'm Edelson. That's Lucas!"

"But I thought that was Noble!"

"Jeez, man! Do you even know who the f-BEEP we are? D'ya want us to make ourselves f-BEEP-ing name tags?"

"If that would make you happy, Noble, we'll bring you some crayons."

"I'M NOT NOBLE, I'M EDELSON!"

"Oh…okay…why don't we bring on our second set of guests - SG-1!"

(Wild cheering from audience, underpants thrown at Jack)

"Thank you, my fans!" Jack beamed, pulling a thong off of his head. 

"Oh, not you!" Edelson snarled, standing up with his fists clenched.

"Where's Robbie the Reindeer?" Jack asked, "He's normally here shifting his gigantic butt around!"

(Cheering from audience)

"Don't you insult my CO like that, you punk!" Noble spat, standing up and literally spitting at Daniel. 

"That really is a very disgusting habit ya got there, Noble," Daniel replied, wiping the spit off of his face with his sleeve.

"Bring it on, rock-boy!" he roared, charging at Daniel with his head lowered. 

As Noble rugby-tackled Daniel to the floor, Jack launched himself at Edelson, and they both ended up rolling around on the floor, with fists flying everywhere. 

Sam looked at her CO and Daniel having the crap beaten out of them on the floor and sighed, deeply. She looked up at Teal'c, and they both sighed again. 

It was then that Lucas ran at Teal'c, his arms flailing and fists aimed at Teal'c's head. Teal'c calmly held his fist out, and Lucas ran into it, knocking himself out. 

(Cheering from audience)

"Not so fast!" an angry voice growled from the back of the stage. It was Makepeace - he'd escaped the security guards!

Teal'c squared his shoulders and looked at Makepeace threateningly. 

"What's the matter, sweetie?" Makepeace asked Sam, "D'you need a bodyguard now?"

Sam's eyes narrowed as Makepeace came towards her, and she brought her foot up to make contact with his groin. 

"AAAGGHH! F-BEEP!"

She barely had time to be pleased with herself because he grabbed a fistfull of her hair and pulled, hard. She kicked out at him and looked to Teal'c for reassurance. 

Unfortunately, Teal'c was restraining Lucas, who had woken up and was still trying to maim him. 

Jack and Edelson were still trading insults and punches. Very little of their shouted and confused conversations could be heard, but a tape recording of the studio sounded like this:

"Aagh! Get the f-BEEP off of my f-BEEP arm, you b-BEEP!"

"You fight like a f-BEEP-ing woman!"

"Ow!"

"Sorry, Sam, I thought you were Edelson!"

"OW!"

"Sorry Lucas, I thought you were Jack!"

Jerry stood at the edge of the stage, watching helplessly.

"These people clearly need help," he sighed, and pulled out his cellphone. 

Meanwhile, Sam had managed to free herself from Makepeace's grip and had tackled him to the floor. 

"In other circumstances I might enjoy this, Major!" he drawled with a smirk. 

"F-BEEP you!" she spat, trying to punch him in the face but missing. He rolled out of her grasp and over to a chair. He picked up the chair and threw it in Sam's direction.

"Hey! HEY!" Jerry shouted, "I told you - NO THROWING FURNITURE!"

Sam picked up the cushion that was on the chair and smashed it over Robert's head, sending feathers flying everywhere. 

"You f-BEEP-ing b-BEEP!"

Makepeace took up the other cushion and ran after Sam, who was trying to make an escape. 

Daniel and Noble had reached the other side of the stage where the drinking water was kept, and were still fighting. Daniel reached up and grabbed the jug of water, tipping it over Noble's face.

"Agh! F-BEEP you, archaeology-boy!" he snarled, grabbing the piece of lemon and ramming it up Daniel's nose. 

"AAAGGGGHHHH I'LL BE SNEEZING CITRUS FOR A WEEK!"

"Guys!" Jerry called above the racket, "I've got some good news for you!"

Makepeace looked up, his hand still clasped the front of Sam's shirt, blood running from her nose. 

Jack looked up from Edelson, a large black eye developing. 

Daniel looked up from Noble, pulling bits of lemon out of his nostril.

Teal'c looked up from Lucas, Lucas' hand clenched around his left ear. 

"I've booked you all into an anger-management course!" Jerry smiled. "You'll be spending four weeks together in a hotel learning how to love each other!"

There was a long, terrible silence. 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

TO BE CONTINUED…

Next Time: SG-1 and SG-3 run into trouble on their journey to Hollywood. Eight people who hate each other are stuck in a Land Rover for many hours. It's a recipe for disaster.


	3. A Piece of Our Minds The Journey from H...

Title: A Piece of Our Minds: The Journey from Hell  
  
Rating: PG (Strong language is represented by BEEP as it would be on the real show. I'm sure you can fill in the gaps)   
  
Spoilers: None (But you need to have read the first chapter)  
  
Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, they belong to the lovely people at MGM, Showtime and Brad Wright. Obviously, Jerry Springer is a hugely successful chat show host and I mean him no disrespect, and no copyright infringement was intended - please don't sue me!!   
  
Summary: SG-1 and SG-3 run into trouble on their journey to Hollywood. Eight people who hate each other are stuck in a Land Rover for many hours. It's a recipe for disaster.  
  
~ A Piece of our Minds: The Journey from Hell ~   
  
By Ruth   
  
'A Piece of Our Minds' Series Copyright (c) 2003, Ruth  
  
**********   
  
SG-1 and SG-3 found themselves trapped in the back of a land rover on their journey to Hollywood.   
  
Jack and Edelson were squished together, Phillips was practically sitting on Teal'c's lap, Daniel and Noble were squished together in the corner and Sam and Makepeace sat across from one another, glaring.  
  
"For the record, I hate you," Sam said.  
  
"I'm not so fussy about you myself, Major." Makepeace replied.  
  
"Are we nearly there yet?" Phillips moaned, jumping up and down on Teal'c's lap.  
  
"No we are not!" Teal'c shouted angrily.  
  
"Dammit, Jack," Edelson griped, "Stop moving - my butt's pressed against the window as it is."  
  
"So is mine!" Jack replied, "Just shut up!"  
  
"It's your fault that we're in this situation in the first place!" Sam said, pointing at Makepeace.  
  
"My fault? Listen, lady, if your CO didn't have his head shoved so far up his arse he would have realised that we are both equally to blame!"  
  
"Equally? Equally? You just stood there, shouted and screamed like a man and then beat everybody up."  
  
"Oh yeah? Well you just stood there, shouted and screamed like a woman and ran away!" Makepeace retorted.   
  
Sam snarled, picked up a map of Ohio and threw it at Makepeace's face.  
  
"Ow!"  
  
"How much further to go?" Phillips moaned.  
  
"Hours," Teal'c replied in annoyance.  
  
"Awww," Phillips said, hopping about on Teal'c's lap, "I need to go to the toilet."  
  
Teal'c turned a deep shade of mauve.  
  
"Bring this vehicle to a halt!" he hollered to the driver.  
  
**********  
  
Makepeace thumbed the paper cut on his eyebrow angrily and glared at Sam. She glared back.   
  
Edelson and Phillips had decided to play I-spy, much to everyone else's horror.  
  
"I spy with my little eye, something beginning with p," Edelson said.  
  
"Pillock?" Makepeace enquired.  
  
"No."  
  
"Prat?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Ponce?"  
  
"NO! Makepeace, this game is between me and Phillips - GO AWAY!" Edelson shouted.  
  
Sam smirked. Makepeace picked up a window scraper and threw it at her.  
  
"Agh!"  
  
"Makepeace, when we get out of this land rover, I am SO gonna kick your ass!" Jack threatened.  
  
"Yeah? Well, I'm far more likely to kick yours, as it's STICKING IN MY FACE!"  
  
They were silent for a moment, but then a terrible noise was heard.   
  
"Pffft."  
  
Makepeace paled. "Okay, who did that?"  
  
Sam began to choke. "Oh, my God!"  
  
"Open the window!" Makepeace commanded, shoving his window open and commanding Sam to do the same.  
  
She wrenched it open and stuck her head out, gulping in the fresh air.  
  
"By my command, nobody is to do that again!" Makepeace shouted.  
  
"Pffft."  
  
"AAAGGGHHH!"  
  
**********  
  
Two hours later, Daniel and Noble were playing rock, paper, scissors in the corner. Daniel was winning.   
  
"Three...two...one..."  
  
Daniel produced a rock, Noble the scissors.  
  
"Ha!" Daniel cried, "Now my rock will blunt your scissors - I win!"  
  
Noble turned a shade of green and clenched his fist, proceeding to pound Daniel with it.  
  
Jack and Edelson were still squished against the left and right sides of the land rover, which meant that they had the luxury of looking out of the window.   
  
"Edelson?" Jack said, shifting his face so that his mouth was no longer pressed against the window.  
  
"What?" he replied.  
  
"You wanna play I-spy?" Jack asked.  
  
Edelson snorted. "You really think I want to play that pathetic game with you?"  
  
"I spy with my little eye, something beginning with T."  
  
"Ooh!" Edelson said, "Ooh, I know this one.."  
  
Makepeace put his head in his hands and mumbled something that Sam couldn't quite hear.  
  
"What? You're actually surprised that your men are no more mature than toddlers?" Sam asked.  
  
"Would you just shut up?" Makepeace hollered, "I've got a headache!"  
  
"So have I!" Sam retorted, "You don't hear me complaining!"  
  
Makepeace grunted and looked out of the back window.  
  
"Pffft."  
  
"Oy!" he shouted, "I said not to do that!"  
  
Sam wrenched her window open and allowed the fresh air to course through the vehicle again.  
  
"Something beginning with T," Jack repeated.  
  
"Oh! Teal'c!" Edelson shouted happily.  
  
"Yup. Okay, it's your turn!"  
  
Sam watched as Makepeace pulled his own window open and began to try and climb out of it.  
  
"Oh, no you don't!" she snapped, leaning forwards and grabbing him around the waist, pulling him back inside, "If I've gotta do this, then so have you!"  
  
He kicked at her angrily, but eventually had to succumb because his foot started to go numb. He turned around in his seat and sulked, folding his arms and frowning.   
  
Sam sighed, reached into her pocket for an aspirin, and gave it to him.  
  
"Take it and shut up."  
  
**********  
  
Makepeace had fallen asleep. Phillips was leaning over, his butt in Teal'c's face, drawing on Makepeace with a black pen. He laughed as he drew the moustache on his cheeks and then proceeded to write 'Kick Me' on his forehead. Sam stifled a giggle and looked over at her commanding officer, who was having a fight with Edelson about whether grass was spelt g-r-a-s-s or g-r-a-r-s-e.   
  
Teal'c was trying to get some sleep, but he cast a look over at Sam.  
  
"Are you alright, Major Carter?" he asked.  
  
"I'm holding up," she said with a grimace - her feet were trapped under Makepeace's legs. "Are you okay?"  
  
"I would be better if Phillips would remove his behind from my face," Teal'c commented.  
  
Makepeace chose that moment to wake up, discovering that Phillips was drawing on him. With a roar of rage, he grabbed the pen from his hand and threw it at Sam.  
  
"OW! What did I do to deserve that?" she asked.  
  
"You existed," Makepeace grunted.   
  
Sam brought her leg up and smacked him in the back of his legs for that comment, making him howl in surprise.  
  
"Ow!"  
  
He grabbed the nearest object to his hand and threw it at Sam - it turned out to be a Reader's Digest from 1995.  
  
She retaliated by throwing the pen back at him, un-covered end first. It drew a long black line down his face. He growled angrily.  
  
Grabbing the pen, he leant forwards and pushed Sam down into the seat, raising the pen above her threateningly.  
  
"Nnnooo!" she screamed, trying to kick him off of her.  
  
"Grass!" Jack shouted, smacking Edelson in the ear with a banana.  
  
"Three...two...one..."  
  
Daniel produced paper, and Noble produced a rock.  
  
"Ha!" Daniel cried, "My paper wraps around your rock! I win again!"  
  
"Have you any idea what that sounds like, Daniel Jackson?" Teal'c asked in disgust, shoving Phillips off of him and onto the floor.  
  
"Waaah!" Phillips shouted, reaching down for his shoe. He took it off and threw it at Teal'c, smacking him in the nose.  
  
"Pffft."  
  
"AAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!"  
  
The land rover suddenly came to a halt, throwing Makepeace down on top of Sam, sending Phillips careening into the window, crushing Noble and Daniel together even further and not managing to move Teal'c one inch.  
  
"We're here," the driver announced.  
  
**********  
  
TO BE CONTINUED...  
  
Next time: SG-1 and SG-3 face their first problem - they only have one hotel room for the eight of them. 


	4. A Piece of Our Minds Hotel Room Horror

Title: A Piece of Our Minds: Hotel Room Horror  
  
Rating: PG (Some strong language, which is beeped out anyway)  
  
Spoilers: None (But you need to have read the first chapter)  
  
Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, they belong to the lovely people at MGM, Showtime and Brad Wright. Obviously, Jerry Springer is a hugely successful chat show host and I mean him no disrespect, and no copyright infringement was intended - please don't sue me!!   
  
Summary: SG-1 and SG-3 face their next problem - they only have one hotel room for the eight of them.  
  
~ A Piece of our Minds: Hotel Room Horror ~   
  
By Ruth   
  
'A Piece of Our Minds' Series Copyright (c) 2003, Ruth  
  
**********   
  
IMPORTANT: My email address is changing samcarterusaf@yahoo.co.uk is NO LONGER ACTIVE! My new address is jm-webmistress@fsmail.net Please update your address books accordingly. Thank you.  
  
**********  
  
"Ah, well, at least we're finally here - and we've got a suite!" Makepeace sighed happily, dumping his bags on the floor and looking around.  
  
He glared when Jack walked in behind him.  
  
"What the hell are you doing here?" he growled.  
  
"Well, ya see, the receptionists kinda cocked up our reservations, so ya see..."  
  
"Out with it, O'Neill," he snarled.  
  
"We're all in one room," Jack finished, with an almost apologetic smile.  
  
"WHAT?" Makepeace exploded.  
  
"Don't blame me!" Jack shouted, "It was Jerry BEEP-ing Springer that organised this!"  
  
"I don't BEEP-ing care! You're the nearest person to me so I'm damned well going to blame you!" Makepeace hollered.  
  
At that moment, Lucas, Noble and Edelson entered the room, with identical sheepish looks.  
  
"Looks like we're all stuck in here together then," he said, "Where's Daniel, Carter and Teal'c?"  
  
"Uh...Daniel tried to make a break for freedom - Sam and Teal'c have just gone to stop him." Edelson informed them.  
  
"Good for them. First and most importantly: who sleeps where?"  
  
"Um...well..."  
  
"Ya see..."  
  
"I'd kinda like..."  
  
At that moment, Sam and Teal'c walked in, dragging Daniel behind them.  
  
"NOOOOO!" Daniel screamed, "NOOOO! I want to go home!"  
  
"So do I, Daniel," Sam said through gritted teeth, "But we're just gonna have to tough it out!"  
  
"Lucas!" Makepeace shouted, "Where do you want to sleep?"  
  
"Excuse me?" he asked, wiping something off of his shirt.  
  
"I SAID, WHERE THE F-BEEP DO YOU WANT TO SLEEP?"  
  
"Oh," he said, taking the quick way out, "I'll take the couch!"  
  
"Right - Edelson?"  
  
"I'll take the other end of the couch, sir!"  
  
"Cool. N-"  
  
"Hey!" Jack said, "How come you're lettin' your team chose first? That isn't fair!"  
  
"Quit your whining, O'Neill! There's plenty of places left!" Makepeace grumbled. "I'm having the bed - there's room for at least one more, if not three," he said.  
  
Sam turned a shade of green. "I'm taking the bath!" she shouted, running into the bathroom and narrowly avoiding Noble, who was vying for her place.  
  
"Dear me, Robbie - you seem to be quite a turn-off!" Jack goaded him, with a large grin on his face.  
  
"You won't be laughing for long, O'Neill!" he said, "Looks like it's me, you, Teal'c and Noble in the bed."  
  
"What about me?" Daniel squeaked.  
  
"Find somewhere!" Makepeace snarled, tossing his bag onto the bed.  
  
"Uh..if you think I'm sharing a bed with you, Makepeace, then you're..." Jack began.  
  
"I don't particularly relish the thought, but we don't seem to have a lot of choice!" Makepeace replied.  
  
"Kick Carter out of the bathroom!" Jack suggested. Daniel thumped him, and went over to the door.  
  
"Sam! Sam, is there any room in there for me?" he asked.  
  
"I dunno...hold on a minute...there might be..."  
  
"Makin' a move, Jackson?" Makepeace grinned.  
  
"Shut up!" Daniel shouted, "At least I'm not taking part in a foursome with three other men! Egh!"  
  
**********  
  
It was near midnight by the time they were all settled down. Sam and Daniel had to wait for everyone to finish in the bathroom before they could go to sleep, and the others were too busy making a fuss.  
  
"But why do I have to have the bottom end of the bed?" Jack whined, "I'll have to sleep with your feet up my nose!"  
  
Makepeace growled. "So will I, O'Neill. I just think that being the most important man here, I should have the headboard."  
  
"How the hell are you the most important man here?" Jack shouted.  
  
Teal'c put his hands over his ears as the bitching continued. When their voices rose even louder, Teal'c got up and went over to the bathroom.  
  
"Major Carter! Doctor Jackson! Is there sufficient space inside for another?"  
  
**********  
  
At around 1am, the eight officers were finally asleep. Sam, Daniel and Teal'c were crammed in the bathroom; Makepeace, Jack and Noble were crammed in the double bed, and Edelson and Lucas were top-and-tailed on the couch.  
  
Sam rolled over in the bath and hit her nose on the plug, which woke her up.  
  
"Agh! Dammit!" She grumbled, rubbing her nose.  
  
This woke Daniel up, who was sleeping on the floor, under the bathmat.  
  
"Ah - you okay Sam?" he asked.  
  
"Yeah - I just hit my nose on the plug," she said, laying back down in the bath again.  
  
"Night, Sam."  
  
"Night, Daniel."  
  
Teal'c, who was sitting bolt upright on the toilet seat practising Kelno'reem, did not answer.  
  
In the bedroom, Robert grunted in his sleep and turned over, accidentally kicking Jack in the face.  
  
"Ow!" Jack said, waking up suddenly, "Makepeace!"  
  
"What?" Makepeace grouched, rubbing his eyes.  
  
"You kicked me!" Jack whined.  
  
"Ooh, so I did - deal with it! IT'S ONE O'CLOCK IN THE F-BEEP-ING MORNING!"  
  
The shouting promptly woke up Noble, who was sleeping beside Makepeace.  
  
"What?" he asked sleepily, rolling over and accidentally banging his head against the headboard, knocking himself out.  
  
"Why me?" Robert asked, looking at the ceiling, "Why me? What have I done that is so terrible to warrant this?"  
  
"You breathe," Jack replied snidely from the bottom of the bed.  
  
"Oh, that is it!" Makepeace snarled, as he picked up a pillow. Suddenly, he leapt forwards and began to smother Jack with it.  
  
"Hmff!" Jack protested, "Frrsk grr shhis kall ton frr!"  
  
Robert removed the pillow. "What?" he asked.  
  
Jack launched himself at Makepeace, grabbing the pillow and stuffing it over his face.  
  
Back in the bathroom, Sam had heard all of the comotion and had woken up again.   
  
With a sigh, she climbed out of the bathtub, being careful not to wake or step on Daniel, who was still asleep. Lucky bastard.  
  
She opened the door and went into the main bedroom, biting back a shriek at what she saw.  
  
Jack was sitting astride Makepeace, and Makepeace was writhing underneath him.   
  
Her mind began to conjure up all sorts of horrible images - but stopped when she saw the pillow in Jack's hands.  
  
"Jack!" she shouted, "Take that pillow off of his face RIGHT NOW!"  
  
Jack jumped out of his skin at the sound of her voice, giving Makepeace the time to sit up again, gasping for breath.  
  
"But...but...he started it!" Jack protested, pointing at Makepeace.  
  
"I don't give a f-BEEP who started it!" Sam shouted, "I'm trying to get some sleep - which is difficult enough in a f-BEEP-ing bath, but with you three making so much f-BEEP-ing noise it's damned near f-BEEP-ing impossible!"  
  
She paused to take a breath.  
  
"Now! Go to sleep or for f-BEEP sake, shut the f-BEEP up!"  
  
With a sigh, she turned her back and went into the bathroom, trying not to slam the door behind her.  
  
**********  
  
All was silent in the hotel room. It was just gone 3am, and not a creature (or marine) was stirring. Teal'c opened his eyes and looked around himself.  
  
Sam was asleep in the bathtub. Daniel was asleep on the floor, snoring gently underneath the bathmat. He got up, with a small grin on his face, and filled his hands with cold water. Then, he went into the master bedroom.  
  
He tiptoed across to Makepeace and stood perfectly still, watching him snore.   
  
Then, he emptied the contents of his hands all over him, running back to the cover of the bathroom.  
  
"AAAGGGHHH! WHAT THE F-BEEP?"  
  
Makepeace then succeeded in waking up every living soul within a 10-mile radius.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED...  
  
**********  
  
Next time: Day 1 of the team-building begins, as SG-1 and SG-3 are paired up and set various challenges. They include water, a rope swing...and a helluva lot of mud.  
  
**********  
  
Thank you for reading! Did you enjoy? Please send feedback to jm-webmistress@fsmail.net 


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